Greatest TV review ever

This has to be the greatest TV review I've ever read - brilliant writing from Capital Times, thank you for watching.

Columns - Tube Talk
Dr Nicky Watson?

THE synopsis for Alt TV’s gobsmacking Let There Be Rock promised great things.

"Join the doctor of rock – Nicky Watson – for an exploration of postmodern existential rock. It’s not just a show, it’s a structured philosophical belief system."

Unless Nicky Watson’s breasts count as "a structured philosophical belief system", it was a bit of a mystery as to how they were going to deliver. But then, all was revealed. Not quite as revealed as the host’s lithe limbs, but revealed nonetheless.

The show opened with Nicky, resplendent in tiny shorts, a black tank top and black leather boots, awkwardly reclined. The red curtains behind her provided what little fabric there was on view.

It’s not like being able to see so much of her is objectionable, but she looked like an extra from a Whitesnake video. I guess when you have that much hair and that deep a tan you don’t need clothes.

Inspired by her state of undress, one of the curtains slipped seductively from its moorings.

Nicky explained the set was reminiscent of a boudoir to mark her completion of Henderson Polytechnic’s Love and Relationship Advice course.

"They gave me an honorary doctorate, so now I’m Dr Watson!"

I’m sure that’s what she said, but there’s no such institute as Henderson Polytechnic. Could it be possible that Nicky Watson was displaying a sense of humour?

Only 10 minutes into Let There Be Rock, I was beginning to question everything I thought I knew. Alas, the Alice in Chains videos were real.

"It’s the anniversary of their lead singer’s death in… I forget when. Anyway, I’m playing these in, um, what’s that word? I can’t remember. But, anyway, these are like, from the last show he played when he was alive before he died."

Watching this structured philosophical belief system in action is to know why there is still angst and uncertainty in the world.

As she struggled up into a sitting position, knees akimbo, Nicky invited the lovelorn to text in their problems.

The show’s title was becoming more meaningless by the second. Now upright, Nicky was finally able to read the autocue and introduce two tracks. Depressingly, they were by INXS.

By the time this first aural assault was over, Dr Watson had a Sherlock Holmes in the form of Grimace – and he did. "Grimace is the host of, um… what’s your show called?" Nicky asked.

"Pisstalk," muttered Grimace. He looked bored rigid, but cheered up immensely when he had to read Nicky her first text.

"Han Solo in Hamilton wants to know how to deal with his girlfriend when she finds out he only has one ball."

Nicky inhaled deeply, which must be pretty risky when you’re already so airheaded you’re in danger of levitating at any moment. "You don’t make love with your balls," she advised eventually, before throwing her goats up (the goat/devil symbol made with the fingers) in solidarity.

She throws up her goats a lot – so often, in fact, that Grimace started doing it behind her back.

Pete texted in to find out how he could get over his ex. "Oh my goodness," sighed Nicky, before launching into the most entertaining rant of the evening.

"You have to start living your life! You have to heal your soul, your heart and spirit and start loving yourself. There’s a book called The Power of Now – you can get it at Whitcoulls and PaperPlus [behind her, Grimace was literally agape]. Love changes, Pete."

Wow. I guess Nicky Watson has had to get over exes quite often.

We were back on safer ground with the next question on nipple-piercing.

"I actually got my nipple pierced on national TV," Nicky chirped, as though anyone needed reminding.

Warming to her subject, Nicky described the procedure and asked Grimace if perhaps she shouldn’t just show everyone what it looked like. Although looking slightly more animated, Grimace wisely chose to shrug.

Then it was time for Dr Watson to close the surgery. "I feel like I’ve spoken some truth and helped some people, so see you next week when we’ll be here to answer your questions... Oh no! I’m a liar! I won’t be here next week! I’ll be at the Playboy launch."

Grimace checked his watch. "Can’t you ask the Bunnies if they’ve got any problems?"

"Oh yeah, totally," agreed Nicky, looking relieved. I’m glad she felt relieved. I felt like I’d just had my world ripped apart.